Two weeks to go (and no I’m not counting, I’m burning the damn days)
It’s now two weeks before I leave for Bangkok Thailand for my SRS. This is something I’ve known from the age 10 (I knew in every part of me years before then that I should have been a girl) when I read the first book (big dusty psychiatrist book) on gender incongruence. From that point on I have understood what was going on and what I needed to do. So here I am 28 years later and on the horizon of having that aspect of myself “corrected.”
So the question arises, “what the hell am I going to do? How will I pass the time till I fly out?”
The day I booked surgery I made a day by day calender from Joss paper (a Buddhist prayer paper) 
and I burn each day in a small had raised copper bowl (being an artist does have its advantages).
I do this as my girlfriend/partner watched via webcam. Last month she came here for a visit and when she went back to England she took every other day with her, and for this last month we have been alternating burning days. I admit I am not Buddhist or religious for that matter, but the practice of everyday burning the day is sort of cathartic
. It gives me time to reflect on the day and what they mean.
Up till last month it didn’t hit me how close it was getting to the day. Then day 30 hit and I sat looking at the day thinking, “how did I get here? Is this for real?” By this time I had everything lined up, and in order for my trip; Passport, Surgery paid off, plane ticket, hotel lined up, suitcases, money converted to Baht, a copy of my therapist letter, a copy of my medical records, all my lab work done.
I know I have plenty to keep me busy leading up to departure; final exam in a Modern Art History course, work, packing. That said, I have felt a bit, I don’t know, anxious. Hell I’ve re-tiled two bathroom floors 
in the building I live in, made myself a handbag
,and a laptop bag
, set up for one art show, took another art show down, wrote a research paper (13 pages on one painting), taken to walking 3 to 10 miles a day (okay that one was because my doctor said I have to, as I’ve developed hypothyroid). I’m thinking I may build myself a futon frame for my mattress, and I have a few ideas for some clothes I want to make. I might go to the library and borrow a few DVD’s (Fido and Code 46 sound interesting).
I have to say when I booked this little adventure back on September 7th I felt calm and the only thing I found that made me nervous was the thought of being in a country that I didn’t speak a bit of the language (maybe I’ll spend the next 2 weeks learning some Thai). However in the last few days, as the date becomes tangible I find myself nervous, not worried or apprehensive, more like in a state of wonder. I really have no clue how things will change, or if they will. I do not see this as an ending, just another point in my travels through my life. I don’t think, I’ll wake up from surgery, the bandages will come off a few days later and, “gasp! I’ll be a woman!” I’m still going to be me. I’ve been living like this for over 3 years, and this isn’t going to be my defining moment or anything like that. However I do understand this change will bring about some changes (come on people there are some pretty obvious ones, I won’t get in to them).
I do have a gift card to Barnes and Noble, maybe I’ll get myself a book for the trip. I have one I started when I went to England in 2006, I haven’t finished it yet, as I left it for my girlfriend to read (she’s a total book junkie) and she brought it with her when she came to visit.
Just a bit of advice for anyone that is thinking (or planning on doing this) don’t set it up for a week after finals, thinking, “oh hey these classes will help keep my mind off of this. I’ll strictly have my classwork to focus on. Golly gee that’s an awesometacular plan.”
No its not! You won’t be able to clearly focus on your course work, feel out of sorts in the classroom, not to mention all the things you will need to do before going. Trust me, I’m speaking form first-hand experience here.
Well cheers and all that stuff:)
Maybe I’ll take a sketchbook with me, and just draw (that actually sounds nice)
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