Bangkok log part 4
It is now 3am on the 12th of May here in Bangkok. Helen and I are in our room at the Bansabai hostel. The room is quite nice the first thing that I noticed when we got to the room was the floor. It is covered with 2′x2′ white marble, and furnished quite nicely. There is a self-serve kitchen, climbing-wall and meeting room on the second floor as well as a gorgeous patio area. The roof is a walking garden, with birdbaths and a swimming pool. The food from room service is very good and for a meal that I have paid easily more then $10 to $15 back home for, I pay 50 Baht or about $1.66 not to mention its way hotter and spicier.
So far after the catheter was removed I have had no trouble urinating, I have managed to go three times today. Threaten to stick that catheter back in me will you. I have my trusty donut pillow with me and from what I know it will be my friend for a month or two (maybe longer). I was given a little pink silk bag and it is no ordinary handbag. Inside is my dilator kit and a few other bits.
So far as near as I can tell the surgery was as planned, I have seen photos of just after the bandages came off other women, and mine is much the same, and I am so glad I saw those photos. If I had not I may have freaked out. It looks like a rotten apple with a walnut shoved in the middle. I know from talking with the doctor before and the photos this is due to swelling. I also know that within a week or two things will improve. Honestly I can’t wait.
My strength and stamina are returning slowly but returning none the less. I hope soon to be able to be up and about in a more “normal” fashion, and return to a more active lifestyle.
According to the papers I have been given by the doctors office once the “wounds” heal enough four to six weeks after surgery one can engage in sexual intercourse. For me it will be more like four to six months. As that will be when I am with Helen once again.
As of the writing of this where the adhesive from the bandages was on my skin it is still very red and itchy. For me this is normal, as I have very sensitive skin and m allergic to a number of adhesives.
Yesterday I went to see Dr. Pichet for my check up, so far all is well with that. Dilation with any luck will start on Wednesday. It is all based on when the swelling goes down a bit more. After my check up and cleaning Helen and I got online for a bit at the Doctor’s office. It was while there we met two other ladies whom had recently had surgery by him. Interesting bit one was from the USA and one from the UK. Both were very nice Tami was from the Portland area, which was actually a bonus to me as I am thinking about moving out that way in the near future. Andrea from the UK was chatting with Helen, while I asked Tami a few questions about what to expect over the next few weeks, and months. She was quite helpful and like her I too am finding the donut pillow to be my new best friend (though I can’t wait till I no longer need the thing).
Tonight Helen and I walked down to a small corner store for a few bits. This was by far the furthest I have managed to walk yet, and I felt so good I did it. I for one dislike being reliant on others and helpless.
The pain I feel is quite a bit reduced from a few days ago. I have been taking 1000 mg of Tylenol 4 times a day witch after taking with the other two ladies is Jack shit in the realm of pain medication when compared to what they are and were taking. I’m talking serious doses of vicidin and morphine. I guess I’m doing well there then if this is all I need at this point, and I am feeling like I’m past the high pain point.
Looking back on the experiences I have had in these last few years I realize I made a huge mistake when I said that I would not wish being transsexual on anyone. The level of self realization and understanding I have come to has been greater then I could have expected. Not to mention I don’t think I would have ever come to Thailand. There is a profound sense of centering I have gained from here. The chaos of Bangkok itself has really lent itself to the notion of order and disorder not just coexisting, but having an integral reliance on each other. The segregation and class structure that exists in the western world is not just pointless but self destructive.
Over these last years I have grown to love myself for who I am, and I would not trade this life for one less troubled. I am a self made person, and I am very proud of who I am. Of everything I had hoped this trip to be for me this was not anything I had expected. People who know me know I was looking forward to the day I would have my surgery, and that it would just be another step in my life. It was not anything that I thought would lend itself to some profound impact on my life, but I feel so much more then that. I have come to understand myself in ways most people will never get to experience. I think about those I know back home in Toledo who look down on me, and I know find myself wondering if their disdain is more a self loathing and jealousy. I know at least a few well enough to know they have not taken time to get to know themselves, let alone have any nerve to chase their dreams. I have, and do. My dreams are all I have in this life.
I know this surgery was just another step in my life, and it is far from the end of my transition. For life is a series of trans-formative events and this was one of them for me. I am in no way saying gender surgery or sexual transition is something for everyone, but following a dream and seeing the other side of a dream is something wonderful, and a true joy not to be missed.
I often wondered if chasing this dream would be the death of another dream, my dream of being an artist. I may be fucked out of my master’s for now. However the insight I have gained from my experience is going to and has already fueled my inspiration. Much as my self-loathing and disdain fueled my art in the past.
I found my soul, and when I heal it will be time to use it in ways that I never thought to. Please, please people have a dream and don’t just chase it, follow it willingly to where it leads.
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